Dante Jordan’s Totally Definitive, Totally Subjective Guide to the Best High Foods

I don’t think there’s anything I love more than food. Not Drake’s music; not a freshly harvested batch of Blue Dream; hell, maybe not even my parents. Like if it came down to a lifetime of free meals or a lifetime with the people who created me, I’d have to take a real look at the long-term benefits of both.

So when it comes the munchies, I play zero games. Every high meal is damn near a PPV-worthy event and because I’m bout that life, I’m here to give you a list of some of the best foods, snacks, and outlandish combinations to eat while cloudy. In no particular order…

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Mac and Cheese

Has mac and cheese ever let anyone down? Absolutely not, is the only answer to that question. So when you’re in a stoney spot and have no clue what you want, this should be your go-to. It’s always been mine, even before I was smoking, and look how great I turned out.

Chocolate Chip Cookies

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The classic childhood snack that never died out. Get a dozen from Subway, take an equal amount of bong rips, and tell me they’re not the best cookies you’ve ever tasted.

Watermelon Chunks

As I grow older, I try to take my health more seriously, so I’ve been smashing out lots of fruits and veggies lately. Freshly cut watermelon chunks have been a favorite. When I’m high, I can run through an entire bowl noooo problem. It’s the perfect snack for the calorie-conscious sweet tooth.

Chicken Fingers/Wings and Dip

If I had to break munchies into genres, and then rank them, Dippables™ would be the forever #1. Chicken fingers and wings just so happen to be the GOAT Dippables. Ain’t nothing like a hot piece of garlic parmesan-coated chicken with a coat of ranch or honey mustard on it. AIN’T. NOTHING.

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Club Sandwiches

Whoever threw turkey, ham, American, Swiss, lettuce, tomato, AND bacon on a toasted sandwich for the first time is easily one of the top five greatest humans to ever live. Easily.

Mozzarella Sticks

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Mozzie sticks with both ranch and marinara for dipping purposes. Again, another legendary Dippable™. Get high and order no less than 20 of them. You’ll be so entranced that you won’t even taste the first 10.

Pineapple Chunks

Same as watermelon, a sweet snack that won’t chokeslam your fitness goals.

Doritos and Cheese Dip

Oooohweee. You definitely shouldn’t eat this if you’re on some healthy shit, but if you’re on some I Want To Eat Something Delicious And A Lot Of It, look no further than the family-size bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos and 15-ounce jar of Tostitos Salsa Con Queso.

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ICEE Drinks

This isn’t necessarily a food, but it’s a beverage that comes through 10/10 times. Sometimes you need a drinky drink and a cup of juice simply will not suffice. If that’s the case, get your brain freeze on. As an expert in all things ICEE, I suggest the white cherry flavor only found in AMC movie theaters. Have I ever gone to my local AMC to buy an ICEE then walk out without even seeing a movie? Don’t ask rhetorical questions.

Spinach and Artichoke Dip

Some people don’t like spinach. Those people are wrong. Spinach and artichoke dip is always fire. Even Applebee’s can’t mess it up.

Broccoli and Cheese Soup

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Broccoli and cheese soup may not be the best soup, but it’s the most impossible to mess up. Even more so than chicken noodle. So when you need a quick snackum, broccoli and cheese with a hefty bit of cracker crumbles is a solid option. Get it in a bread bowl if you’re feeling fancy.

Anything Queso-Related

I suggest three cheese enchiladas topped with queso, served with a side of sour cream from your favorite Tex-Mex spot, but hey, that’s just me. You do what you want. But queso is the single greatest food to ever exist, no hyperbole. It is literally number one. If it wasn’t, how could it be the most common item across all restaurants worldwide? Yes, I did fire that off without actually verifying it, but it sounds about right.

Now and Laters, and a 2-Liter of Welch’s Grape Soda

When I was in college, I’d always get high and go to 7-Eleven for a sleeve of Now & Laters and a two-liter of Welch’s Grape. Nowadays, I don’t indulge in either so much, but that doesn’t change what they represent: the perfect YOOOOOO, I HAVEN’T HAD THESE IN FOREVER munchie combo.

Cheese Eggs (Onions Optional) in a Waffle House All Star Special

I’m getting specific on this one because it really is the perfect meal for every stoner. Two eggs, bacon, toast, hash browns, AND a waffle for only $7? You can’t beat that with a baseball bat. ALWAYS get your eggs scrambled with cheese, it’s what your ancestors would’ve wanted.

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Tuna/Ham Salad + Club Crackers

Okay so this one time in college, my homeboy Kyle and I were at my parents’ house during summer break. We went out and smoked a couple joints of some extremely terrible Reggie, then came back to my house and my mom had a batch of her signature ham salad. We got a box of a Club crackers and ate the entiiiire bowl. To this day, I still think about how delicious it was on a daily basis. Whether it’s tuna, ham, or chicken, you can always count on this to satisfy your highest food needs.

Carrot Cake

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Hot take: Carrot cake is the best cake and it’s not even close. Fight me.

Meat-Lovers Pizza

It’s the only pizza that matters. Pepperoni is fire; sausage is fire; Canadian bacon is fire; so, why not get all of them at once? Might I suggest Pizza Hut? There’s always at least one online deal that enables you get a Meatie for the low.

Dark Chocolate-Covered Almonds

Another snack that I picked up from my mother. If you’re one of the people that gets high before going to work (hello my brothers and sisters), then these are the ideal Keep On Your Desk snack.

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Texas Roadhouse Rolls With Cinnamon Butter

I know this is a region-specific food item, but I wouldn’t be doing this list any justice if these weren’t included. Texas Roadhouse is a regular-ass chain restaurant in the South with regular-ass food, but they have these rolls that are to die for. They’re the freshest and softest, but also come with this cinnamon butter that’ll open your eyes to a whole new world.

Lunchables

Every (100%) single time I get high and go to the grocery store, I leave with at least five Lunchables. While mac and cheese is my favorite food, these are my all-time favorite snack. I mean, seriously, who doesn’t love a pepperoni pizza Lunchable? If you can answer that question with a name, keep that person far away from me because they’re police.

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