For this week’s Watch This, I came across a pretty funny video of a British dude named Sam Briggs talking about the five types of different stoners. Although I’m not sure you can lump us all into just five categories, for the most part, he hits the nail right on the head. Watch and I guarantee you’ll know at least one person the falls into each category.
Looking for an “I’m not about to watch this, gimme a summary of the action” recap? I got you.
1. The Spliff Gremlin
The Spliff Gremlin (or Moochie Norris, as we call it in my world) is the smoker that’s always mooching off of other people’s goods. They can smell a joint being sparked from a mile away and as the cherry starts rolling, they’re right there like Jordan Peele in the Obama College Years sketch. I died when the video said he can’t maintain eye contact because he’s trying not to miss his chance to smoke; that hit very close to home.
Sadly, I used to be this guy in my early days. But it wasn’t even on purpose. I was just alwaaaays around when a blunt got lit, so it was like “Yo…Let ya boy hit that tho.” Now I’ve evolved into a grown-ass man that comes through with favors and refreshments on deck. Life’s all about growth.
2. The Couch Ninja
You hit him up, he’s always home. You get there, he’s always on the same spot on the couch. Coffee table covered in shake and gravity bong water. Buffalo Wild Wings boxes stacked to the top of the trash can. And you know that he’ll be in the same spot, in the same situation, the next time you come back.
3. The Connoisseur
This is that uppity smoker that wants to discuss the ins and out of the strain you’re smoking and tell you why the Death Star he smoked once was 87 times better. You can’t even grind up your cannabis because he’s been staring at the nugs under his iPhone flashlight for the past 37 minutes, discussing the THC crystals like you aren’t just here to get high and order $43.28 worth of Postmates. I was cracking up when the video talked about The Connoisseur being disgusted with the weight of the bag, because I definitely have friends that take it personally if you purchase anything less than an 8th.
4. The Productive Pothead
This is the smoker that can face 500 Ls and still run through a to-do list like it’s nothing. You watch him with envy like “Damn, if I could just be more like Captain Responsibility.” I’ve always wanted to be this guy, but it just doesn’t work out like that. I can smoke and write, but when it comes to smoking and getting other things done…Nah, not ya boy.
5. The Novice
The Novice is the absolute worst, but we were all once this person. He gets way too high for his own good and can’t function like a basic human. You ask them a question and the only thing they can manage to say is “huh?” The Novice goes 3 hours without saying a word because inside he’s having a complete panic attack. The paranoia is absolutely destroying him. You ask “Yo, you good?” and the novice nods yes, but the truth is that he has never been further from good.