Do you go to the grocery store high? You do? Good. Because if you answered no, I was going to pack up and walk right out of the door behind you. I just couldn’t respect it. You’d be missing out on the new official America’s Pastime.
Going to the grocery store high is one of my favorite activities because I never know how it’ll end. It could be a quick errand where I run in there, grab a box of baby spinach and some pineapples, and be back out of the door in 274 seconds flat. Or it could be an absolute adventure where I’m there for hours, just wandering the aisles aimlessly in search of the perfect munchies, even though I only came for paper towels and toothpaste. Most of the time it’s the latter; and I absolutely love it. It’s like the Ancient Greek philosopher Forrestine Gumpicus once said, “Going to the grocery store stoned is like a box of chocolates: ya never know what you’re gonna get.”
Now, I could sit here all day and talk to you about why being stoned at the grocery store is a top five everyday experience, but for now I’ll scale it back to just a few reasons.
Pros of Grocery Shopping While Stoned
It’s a Calming Experience
87% of the time, grocery shopping is a solo activity, which means the grocery store is the perfect place for some uninterrupted Me Time. No one’s bothering you with their political opinions, you aren’t stressing about the thousands of unread emails in your inbox, that rapidly approaching writing deadline doesn’t even seem to matter. All you’re focused on is finding that perfect bag of spinach for your morning smoothies.
That’s why I love grocery shopping so much. I can’t explain it, but something about walking up and down those aisles is just so calming to me. I can literally feel the stresses of life fall from my shoulders as I pass by the cans of Chef Boyardee. Toss in the calming effects of cannabis and it becomes a truly euphoric experience. Just be aware that if you get too high, the anxiety and paranoia of being in the wild might hit you like a freight train and suddenly it’s like holy shit I have to get out of here immediately. (This is also the case for pretty much every single place that isn’t my house.)
You’ll Discover New Snacks
Did you know Nabisco combined the cookie forces of Chips Ahoy and Oreo to produce THIS:
Neither did I, but thanks to me being high at the grocery store, we do now. I’m one of those people that eats out almost every meal, so when I go grocery shopping, I tend to only grab the essentials. However, one night I had a lot of time to kill and decided to wander up and down every single aisle at Tom Thumb (my local store) to see if I was missing out on any snacks.
Long story short: I was. Not only did they have the Chips Ahoy/Oreo creme boys, they also had like six other flavors I didn’t know existed. It was one of the most blissful experiences of my life.
…That is, until I got home and discovered that aforementioned cookie combo is absolute traaaaash. GARBAGIO! They were such a disappointment that I may never trust another food mashup again.
Luckily, the taste of the cookies isn’t the point. The point is had I not gotten high before going, I wouldn’t have decided to waste my entire evening at the grocery store, thus never finding an entire new genre of cookie. Bottom line: Get high. Go shopping. Snack up, son.
Surprise! Today’s Now Your Cheat Day
One of my biggest joys in life is when a supposed-to-eat-healthy day accidentally turns into a well-damn-I-guess-today-is-a-cheat-day day. I literally wake up every single day and hope for this progression. Most of the time, I’m pretty good about not letting it happen, but if I’m high at the grocery store then all bets are off.
If I’m not in and out, the chances of filling my basket with countless bad decisions increases by a solid 73%. (I crunched the numbers.) But I wouldn’t call that a bad thing considering I currently have five different mac and cheeses in my freezer right damn now. How many people do you know that currently have five different macs? Exactly one: me. That’s it. Why fit in if you were born to stand out?
P.S. Try the Devour White Cheddar/Bacon Mac and Cheese. It’ll change your life.
Now, while being stoned at the grocery has a tremendous amount of perks, it also has its setbacks. Much like everything else in life, you have to take the good with the bad.
Cons of Grocery Shopping While Stoned
You’ll Break The Bank
You’re definitely going to waste a lot of money at the grocery store if you’re making high decisions. Trust me. I’ve been there. I’ve seen it. I know darkness. You don’t know financial irresponsibility like I know financial irresponsibility.
You don’t know what it’s like to buy a bottle of each brand of bottled water just to see which tastes best. (Spoiler alert: They all taste like water.) But when I’ve got the most supreme case of cottonmouth in modern history, I’m not at liberty to limit my hydration. There’s just something so shameful about buying a bunch of groceries while stoned, only to throw away half of the stuff because you couldn’t eat it all before it expired. Leonardo DiCaprio might spit in my face if he knew I was living life like this.
You’ll Waste So Much Time
I may love being high at the grocery store, but the most dangerous part of it all is the time spent. Time always flies when I’m high, so a 15-minute Cinnamon Toast Crunch run can turn into a 86-minute Wait-What-All-Don’t-I-Own-At-Least-One-Package-Of run in an instant. It’s wild. I know being locked in a grocery store was everyone’s childhood dream, but you can’t finish those last four episodes of This Is Us if you’re spending 49 minutes at Target trying to decide between DiGiorno or Tombstone. (The answer is Red Baron.)
The Cashier’s Judgment
You ever been in the grocery store so long that you start opening the snacks you plan to buy? If not, the next time you’re in there, go ahead and do it. You’ll feel like a fucking boss. It’s like, “Yo, don’t worry about this Ham & Swiss Lunchable, people! They know I’m good for it!”
They don’t though. They 100% do not know if you are good for it. You should see the looks I get when I slide that empty container up there. It’s like “Sir, your card better work or we’re going to have problems!” And I’m looking back like “You can relax. I’m good for $2.37 all day every day. Matter fact, throw these peanut M&Ms on there too since you want to play me.”
In addition to that, you’ll get the general judgment of “Why did you need white cheddar mac, beefy mac, regular mac, buffalo chicken mac, AND the deep dish baked mac?” Answer: I didn’t. But sometimes life’s not about what you need, it’s about what you want.