Welcome to “Is It Worth the High?”, where our writers see newly released movies, listen to the latest album drops, and try other experiences while high to determine whether they’re worth your time, money, and most importantly, your cannabis buzz. This week, Dante Jordan takes an elevated trip to the monochromatic DC cinematic universe to see whether the franchise has finally gotten its shit together with the newly-released Justice League.
High Experienced (1-10): Started at 4, slowly rose to 6, ended at WHOOO BUDDY
Right off the bat, let’s get to it: Justice League is poop in a toilet bowl. Prior to my viewing, I peeped the reviews and Rotten Tomatoes had it sitting at a smooth 39%, but I figured “Ehhhh, maybe they’re wrong.” Nope. They were not. DC straight up bricked this one.
Justice League is a soulless piece of junk that has no clue where it wants to go or what it wants to be. It doesn’t even know who it wants to be about. On one hand, it wants to be a movie about a superhero team that links up to destroy a single entity of evil. But the problem with that is, well, the team only operates as a unit for like 13 minutes. Outside of that, they’re all just randomly scattered throughout the movie like breadcrumbs that lead absolutely nowhere. Justice League did such a terrible job of creating a cohesive team energy that you feel like you’re just watching a bunch of individuals go at the villain one-on-one in the same arena.
On the other hand, Justice League wants to be a movie of separate superhero plot lines that come together to form a greater film (picture Crash, but with the shittiest execution possible), but ends up creating nothing except hollow storylines across the board. Because of the lack of attention given to individual characters, the movie never draws you into who they are (even though it assumes you already know), or their respective stories/goals. Justice League wants you to care about the group, but without ever truly giving you a direction to follow, it ends up just feeling like a long two hours of “Dude, what the hell am I even watching and why?”
The characters, meanwhile, are so damn uninspiring it’s crazy. Batman has never been more annoying, nor has he ever looked more like an out-of-place pedestrian who needs to grow up and get his life together. And the movie acknowledges this—in one scene, Flash asks Bruce Wayne what his powers are, to which Bruce replies, “I’m rich.” The man is out there serving NO purpose whatsoever. Like bro, they’re battling a supernatural being, and all you have to contribute is a spider-tank-thing that shoots bullets that bounce right off the villain’s body? Enough is enough, Bruce. Take your human ass home.
And then Flash and Cyborg? Bruh. BRUH. How the fuck is DC just going to spring these characters upon us without ever giving us a reason to care about them? We don’t know anything about them, and Justice League will guarantee that you never want to. Up until this point, Flash has only had that little-watched TV show, and Cyborg is no more than the little metal man from Teen Titans. So when you give them a presence that’s central to the movie itself, but don’t bother to define a background or personal conflict we want them to overcome, it’s so hard to care.
If the anemic plot and nonexistent character development don’t turn you away, the super corny dialogue should do the trick. You watch how the characters talk to each other and it’s very clear that the movie is chasing that perfect superhero one-liner in every scene. That “You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain” type of quote, but it bricks it, scene after scene, hero after hero. It’s all just one big dumpster fire.
Is It Worth the High? Hellll no. You’d be better served watching Hallmark Christmas movies at the crib instead going out in public for this BS. Justice League is a bad, bad movie. Don’t waste your money, don’t waste your time, don’t waste your high.