I’ve never been the type of person to broadcast my high in public, either due to the fact that I look high or because I smell strongly of cannabis. That’s not because I’m ashamed of it, I just don’t want to deal with the silent judgments of strangers I encounter in the wild. It’s my biggest pet peeve in the world.
To protect myself from having to deal with awkward stares whenever I venture out, I make sure to keep a few key items on deck that’ll allow me to flourish in disguise and move amongst the non-stoned like a red eye- and odor-free ninja. And since I love you, I’m going to share that list below. A wise man once said, “If you stay ready, you don’t have to get ready.” (That wise man was me. Just now. You’re welcome.)
Eye Drops and Contact Lens Solution
Off-top the most important thing to keep on deck are eye drops. I don’t know about you, but my eyes get so damn red when I’m high. All it takes is one hit of the good stuff and my eyes instantly flame up like fingertips in Hot Cheeto dust. It bothers the hell of out me, so I keep a bottle of eye drops in my car, in my backpack, and also around the house.
As for which brand to reach for, my suggestion is Clear Eyes. They’re the cheapest, come in reasonably-priced small and large-size bottles for the budget-friendly shoppers, and will keep your eyes on Code White for at least three hours. For the rich people with abundant disposable income, I suggest Rohto. MAKE SURE TO GET THE GREEN BOX. I don’t know why, but those are the only ones that work for me. I once smoked before dinner with parents, used a bottle of the silver Rohto, then got to the restaurant and my eyes were still on Cyclops. You don’t want to be in that situation.
In addition to eye drops, if you wear contacts, make sure to keep solution on you as well. Just because your eyes aren’t red doesn’t mean they aren’t dry as hell. Even with “moisturizing” eye drops, your lenses might still slide into an ultra-dehydrated state. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve used eye drops and my contacts still dried up into glass spheres of death. Rule of thumb: If your mouth is dry, so are your eyes. Protect yourself, my friends.
Hand Sanitizer and Lotion
I smoke blunts so my fingers always smell like cannabis and hard work. It’s a part of the game that I’ve learned to accept. Sometimes in life you have to take the good with the bad, and if my fingers have to stink for me to float above the clouds, that’s a price I’m willing to pay.
But that doesn’t mean I have to let it linger. Neither do you. Always keep some hand sanitizer on deck because your fingers are definitely green from pulling apart the nugs and your fingers definitely smell like your last session. The hand sanitizer is the first phase of the On-The-Go cleaning kit. Throw a little bit on your palms, toss a little bit on your fingertips and rub it all around until you’re no longer DJ Green Thumbs.
The only problem is hand sanitizer dries your hands out tremendously and you’ll be let with the ashiest mitts possible. Yes, even you, white people. That’s when lotion comes into play. Your mitts are dry and you don’t want to run the risk of starting a fire with your bare hands. You aren’t a boy scout. You aren’t Havok or El Diablo. You don’t need to be out here placing lives at risk because you didn’t lather up, so make sure to keep lotion on hand. (As always, pun intended.)
Wet Wipes/Facial Cleansing Pads
You ever been so high that you had to splash some cold water in your face to wake up? If not, it’s time to get a better strain and take yourself to infinity and beyond. If so, then bring it in, let’s hug it out; we’re family. Sometimes I get so high that the only way I can bring myself back to life is to head to the bathroom and slap myself with a fistful of puddle.
But what do you do when you don’t have a fistful of H2O on hand? You don’t fret, that’s what. Because you’ve got wet wipes or facial cleansing pads handy. These two items are more than sufficient for the aforementioned purpose. For the facial pads, I suggest Clearasil pads. Not because they’re special, but mainly because at first glance “Clearasil” looks like “Clarissa,” which reminds me of Clarissa Explains It All, the most un-talked about great show of my childhood.
For wet wipes, I suggest barbecue for dinner. Not only will you get a delicious meal, but you can ask for as many wet wipes as you need without question or judgment. Load the fuck up. You paid for the food, you get the wet wipes. That’s a little something I like to call killing two birds with one debit card swipe.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when people reek of cannabis. I know that sounds a little get-off-my-lawnish, but that’s how I feel. When people hotbox their cars, then walk around in public pretending they have no clue why everyone is staring at them, it annoys the shit out of me. Mostly because it’s inconsiderate of others. You can’t just go around throwing canna-smells into strangers’ faces without their permission.
That’s exactly why you should keep some real cologne or body spray on deck at all times. It’ll minimize your aroma while also minimizing unwanted attention. I very rarely smell like smoke, but when I do, a couple sprays of that Polo Red and I’m good money. If I don’t have cologne, it’s whatever body spray I have in my gym bag. Usually it’s Axe, but I suggest you go with Old Spice because it’s stronger and fights odor for longer.
Note: If you hotboxed your car then neither cologne nor body spray can help you. You reek of cannabis now, you’ll reek of cannabis later, and this will remain your truth for the entirety of the day until you shower and change clothes. Please crack a window or tilt the sunroof next time. I’m not saying that out of judgment, I just want you to live your best life. Because I respect you as an individual.
Let’s be honest, if you smoked then your breath stinks. I don’t care what flavors you tasted on the inhale, I promise the exhale was not as pleasant. There are very few things in this world that are worse than having a conversation with a bad-breath individual. One of those things is being that individual with bad breath. Even the coolest human can’t pull off stinky tonsils, and that’s why you should have some kind of breath-freshening device on hand.
This item is almost as important as eyedrops. In fact, they’re 1A and 1B; they go hand in hand. Whether it’s gum, mints, mouthwash, or my preferred Listerine strips, just make sure you keep these ready to rock at all times. Hell, even if you didn’t smoke, chances are you need fresher breath. I mean, you brushed your teeth at 7:00 a.m. and it’s almost 3 o’clock now. Think about it.